


Would’ve loved you for a lifetime, leave it all behind

by alterumsinealterononest



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: F/F, Other, better if read while listening to taylor swift's happiness, graphic descriptions of my heart breaking, i cried five times while writing this, im so sorry, nicole's dead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:01:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28116609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alterumsinealterononest/pseuds/alterumsinealterononest
Summary: Nicole actually died in 4x05. Everyone is trying to deal with it the best they can. Rachel and Waverly have a talk.[TW: grief, mention of suicidal thoughts/actions]
Relationships: Nicole Haught & Rachel Valdez (Wynonna Earp TV), Waverly Earp & Doc Holliday, Waverly Earp & Rachel Valdez, Waverly Earp/Nicole Haught
Comments: 4
Kudos: 31





	Would’ve loved you for a lifetime, leave it all behind

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! This is the first fanfiction that I write and publish so I don't really know how this goes. Disclaimer I guess? Nope, the characters are not mine and neither is Wynonna Earp (insert gif of Nicole saying "unfortunately" in 1x03).  
> Also English is not my first language so sorry for any mistakes and please feel free to mention them to me so I can correct them.  
> About this fanfic: it's depressing. It's basically Waverly and Rachel crying over Nicole and a little bit of flashback into the 18 months.  
> If you guys like it I might keep writing and make it a multichapter so leave a kudos if you want the other characters' point of view. Enjoy!
> 
> [TW: grief, mention of suicide]

> “I love you, Waverly Earp, and no matter what happens, these are the truest words I'll ever speak.”

This is all Waverly could think about right now. Nicole’s last words to her.

She was trying to print that moment into her memory the best way she could because there would be no other moments. Not with _her_ anyway.

Everyone was downstairs mourning her girlfriend’s death but she just couldn’t bring herself to leave her bed. Their bed. Nicole’s scent was still in the sheets and if she closed her eyes she could see her beautiful bright red hair on the pillow. She wanted to cry until she passed out, she _needed_ to cry, but she just couldn’t. You know that feeling when you're too broken, too paralyzed to cry? Either she still hadn’t processed what happened or she had, too well.

This wasn’t supposed to be the end, it was supposed to be a beginning. She could almost grasp between her fingers, as it slipped away, everything that they would be missing on. Every kiss that they would not be able to share, every warming smile in the morning, every fun date out and every cozy night in, meeting her family, getting married, taking care of their small screaming ginger children, and eventually, growing old together.

She figured that the team had decided to leave her alone for a while and give her space to properly mourn Nicole’s passing, and she thanked God for that, but right now the silence was becoming just too loud. She slowly got up and looked out of the window for a moment: she didn’t think it possible for someone to feel this numb. Then she glanced at the door, kinda wondering if it really was the best decision to go downstairs, but eventually slowly walked towards it. As she walked down the stairs she realized that the homestead, and the whole city really, would forever have reminders of her _love_ all over them.

Wynonna, Doc, Nedley, Rachel and Jeremy, they were all in the living room. Wynonna had obviously been crying for a long time, her face was redder than usual and her eyes puffier. Nedley was looking at a picture of Nicole and himself and was showing it to Rachel, probably telling her stories from the past. Jeremy was in a corner with her stetson in his hands, but just from looking at him, Waverly knew that it wasn’t _their_ Jeremy anymore: his evergreen smile was gone and so was the light in his eyes. The guilt was destroying him and Waverly knew it.

Before she could say a word, Doc came close and hugged her as warmly and delicately as he could, sniffing over her shoulder. Maybe that hug could put all of her heart’s pieces back together, she thought. As he slowly let go of her, he turned away, without being able to say a word or even look at her in the eyes. In fact, none of them could. They were scared of what they might see. This was possibly the most cowardly thing that all of them ever did, but none of them wanted to see what Nicole’s death did to Waverly. You don’t come back from seeing that kind of pain in the eyes of someone you love. And Rachel knew that all too well.

Seeing Waverly heading to the kitchen for a glass of water, the young girl excused herself from Nedley and walked over to her.

“Hey” she said, softly.

“Hi, honey” Waverly said, trying to give her a reassuring smile, but hoping the conversation would not go further; she hadn’t realized how un-ready she was to talk.

“I think asking you how you’re feeling would just be a mean joke” Rachel started, not quite knowing what was it that she really wanted to say.

She got no answer from Waverly, who silently got herself a glass of water, feeling that the growing knot in her throat was making it harder and harder for her to even breathe. As they both sat down at the table, she started wondering if Rachel wanted to ask her something and dreading that what she’d want was to hear stories about Nicole. After a few minutes of silence, that normally would've been extremely awkward, but that in these circumstances everyone was too invested in their own thoughts to even notice, the younger girl started:

“She loved you”

Waverly looked up at her, a little confused and a little hurt, as she continued:

“I know you know that, but I just...I felt like I needed to make sure that you knew exactly how much”

“She made sure that I knew” she whispered coldly.

“Good, good. Cause...last time she didn’t” Rachel intervened, “and she couldn’t forgive herself”

“Last time?” said Waverly, paying less attention than she should’ve to the young girl’s words.

“I know that I’m technically the newest member of the family, but...during the past year and a half I got to know Nicole in a way that you don’t. And I’m not saying that to make you feel bad, actually, I’m just trying to...what I’m trying to say is-”

“What are you trying to say? Really? Just spit it out, Rachel. Do you want to tell me how Nicole had changed? How she wasn’t _my_ Nicole anymore? Cause you don’t know the first of it. You didn’t know her before, you didn’t love her as I did. That’s my girlfriend in the ground, show some respect.”

Suddenly, sorrow had brought out the worst in Waverly. She regretted her words immediately after they left her lips. The mess that was in her head was making it so difficult to think, and yet it could not even compare to the mess that was in her heart: she wanted to scream. Maybe deep down she, more than anyone, was scared that what she said was actually true.

But Rachel had wanted to get it out of her ever since she got the news of Nicole’s passing. She just couldn’t go on without letting Waverly know. She felt like Nicole needed her to do this.

“And I do! I swear I respect your pain more than anything. Because I’ve seen it before. Nicole saved me. In every possible way, she saved my life, I owe her everything. Everything I am and everything I will ever be and everything I will ever accomplish. I have love and admiration for her that I will never be able to put into words. And if I can do anything for her, at the risk of getting you mad at me, I will – I have to.

But that’s the thing. That’s not your girlfriend in the ground.”

Hearing those words, Waverly couldn’t take it anymore and was about to talk back to the young woman in front of her, but Rachel was determined to finish what she had started, even if it would reap both of their hearts out of their chests.

“I’m sorry but you need to hear this Waverly. In this house, until not long ago it was her and me. Just her and me. When Wynonna left us, Nicole was injured, alone, scared and with a teenage girl to take care of. Separated and bullied by her own city, the people that she worked so hard to protect. She lost the love of her life, her best friend and the person that came closer to a parent for her, all at once. And I’ve never seen her flicker. She fixed and protected this house, she made sure I never missed anything and she basically raised me. She’s the strongest person I know-”

“I know that Rachel, she was my rock too!” Waverly said, on the verge of tears, not wanting to hear any more of it.

“As I said, she never allowed me to see her pain. She so desperately wanted to protect me from it that she carried around all of her burdens alone, and mine too, to be honest. And I hate myself for letting her.

Until one morning...well it was around 4am, I was awakened by a loud noise outside. I went to check and I saw her sitting on the porch with a gun in her hands. I tried asking her what happened and she just wouldn’t answer. I wondered if she was drunk but I had never seen her drunk and that day was no different. I could see that she was freezing but she didn’t feel it. Or she didn’t care. She was staring in the void, she seemed paralyzed. I got closer and I saw that her shirt was completely soaked. She had let out all of the tears that she’d been keeping in. She didn’t even look at me.

“She came back” she said, “She was right here. She came back and she was safe and in my arms. I could touch her, I could f-feel her! S-she forgave me, Rachel…she forgave me”

Her voice was shaking and so were her hands. I was so so scared that she would've pointed the gun at her head and ended it right there and then.

“Then I woke up” she said, coldly, and looked down.

It’s like one moment she was feeling a lifetime of emotions and the next she was feeling nothing.

“When you love someone, Rachel, show them. Tell them. Just say yes. Just fucking say yes. YES WAVERLY! YES, YES, YES, I WILL MARRY YOU! ...just come back to me” She started screaming, sobbing, on her knees. I didn’t know who she was screaming for: you or herself.

“You never know when you’re gonna lose them forever. Forever. I lost her forever. She could be dead right now, in fact she probably is. She died not knowing how much I love her. How she changed my life. How much I wanted to marry her. My beautiful, beautiful angel”

She never slept in your room again. Not because she wanted to forget you, but because she didn’t want to lose it. She kept looking for you everywhere throughout the whole 18 months, did you know that? If she lived, she wanted to live with you and when she died, she wanted it to be with you as well. Or...for you.

I lost my mother when I was just a kid and still I had never even imagined that one person could feel that much pain. And yet I could see it in her eyes that night, and in yours today. We never talked about that night again.

The only thing she wanted was for you to be happy. All she ever did was to accomplish that. She wanted you to be happy and loved. And for me, that’s exactly what love is.

Teaching someone the meaning of love is the hardest thing to do and yet I could feel it whenever I looked at her. She was full of love. That’s basically what she was made of. Your _fiancée_ Waverly. She said yes. She did. I’m surprised you didn’t actually hear it in heaven or wherever you were” Rachel laughed softly through the tears.

At this point, Waverly was sobbing her eyes out. Talking with the young girl made her realize that now Nicole only lived through memories. _Her Nicole_. Her brave, caring, beautiful fiancée. The same person that brought the best, purest kind of love in her heart, was now filling it with the worst kind of pain. This was, in a way, the moment in which she let go. Let go of all the hopes and dreams and what-ifs.

What really mattered was that Nicole had been in her life, that she had experienced her love and could now pass it on. She was her legacy.

Nicole would never be gone as long as Waverly lived.

**Author's Note:**

> "There'll be happiness after you  
> But there was happiness because of you  
> Both of these things can be true  
> There is happiness
> 
> Past the blood and bruise  
> Past the curses and cries  
> Beyond the terror in the nightfall  
> Haunted by the look in my eyes  
> That would've loved you for a lifetime  
> Leave it all behind  
> And there is happiness" 
> 
> \- Happiness, Evermore (2020), Taylor Swift


End file.
